How to Deal With a Zombie Invasion at Lisgar

By Rusaba Alam and Henry Schut:

With Halloween now upon us, we are forced to consider the inevitability of a zombie apocalypse. The day may come when, as we innocently peruse our textbooks in the science labs, we hear the call of the undead from floors below. The day may come when hordes of ghastly, ghoulish, unpleasant-looking creatures that were once men stalk the mall, clawing at the portables with their rotting hands, and standing idly on the field in a scary fashion. When this day comes, we must ask ourselves: do I know what to do? The Lisgarwrite team has come up with a few suggestions for keeping your brain (or whatever alternative you may have) safely implanted within the confines of your skull.

1. Recognize the undead!

Zombies are slow, speak only in dull moans, and have a vacant stare in their eyes. You may have difficulty distinguishing them from a normal moody teenager. Due to the difficulty this presents, we’d recommend just avoiding all suspicious characters. According to Cambridge University Press Guide on the Zombie Apocalypse(2009), zombies communicate to each other through scent, so becoming less odoriferous will no doubt increase your chances of survival, while also improving your chances at repopulating the human race. Axe brand deodorant, however, has been known to attract zombies, so using it is a very, very bad idea. Get a head start on avoiding zombies by not using Axe now. Seriously, stop.

2. Get to a safe zone.

Lisgar has the unfortunate situation of being very difficult to escape, due to the rarity of exits. If we are able to secure the school before the undead hordes reach us, however, it is very easily defended. If you are on the 3rd or 4th floors of the North building, run to the science chemical storage room and equip yourself with various acids and explosive gas containers to assist you in staving off the hordes. Attempting to burn them with bunsen burners is not as effective as you might think. If you are near the Languages department, reading any book by French playwright Moliere will render the zombie so bored, it will collapse into a coma-like state (be warned that this might also attract French language students, who are arguably worse). Lisgar’s library provides an excellent safe zone, as the multitude of bookshelves can be used to barricade the doors as you escape out the windows.

If you are in the unfortunate circumstance of being in the south building, seek help from Mr. Ruff immediately, as he will be busy destroying the zombie masses using only a foam dodgeball and his motorcycle. If he has already escaped, head directly to the strings room and find a viola (the fatter, more bulky mother-in-law of the violin), and begin rubbing a bow on the strings in a loud and obnoxious fashion. The noise emitted from the viola has a curious and yet scientifically unexplainable effect on zombies which causes their heads to explode.

3. Don’t Be a Hero

We’ve all watched The Walking Dead on Netflix, and we think it’ll be all fun and games when zombies start appearing everywhere. We’ll be romping around in the woods, having not-so-secret affairs with our best friends’ wives, and maybe learning a little bit about ourselves along the way. This is not the case. Most probably, we’ll be spending the entirety of the apocalypse hiding under a desk, fearing to go outside, and eating our shoes for sustenance (leather is almost a meat, right?). It’s been shown in many studies completed by basement-dwellers, sci-fi geeks, and other connoisseurs of the genre that 79% of all the impulsive Rambo-style heros end up zombie chow. We’d recommend you stay inside, lock the doors, find a class with a smartboard, and settle down with a few episodes of My Little Pony while you wait to be rescued.