A Valedictorian Speech: How the Internet Helped Me Graduate

By Vanessa Khuong

My dear friends, my fellow graduates, my devoted Lisgarites. The moment we have been waiting for has finally arrived. Today, we reach the end of our four-year journey. Today, we proudly tune in on Skype (since there is no point in physically coming when we can do it over the Internet) and download our diplomas from Dropbox.

Today, we graduate. However, it seems like just yesterday when we first met, eyes shining bright with excitement, lips parting in wide smiles, and bodies shaking with wild energy. I will always treasure that dear moment, that precious moment which brought us all together, that wonderful moment when I first laid eyes on your Facebook profiles on “Future Freshmen of Lisgar.ā€ Without that opportunity, we would not have strongly connected as a tight-knit family where we all add each other as Facebook friends and share over 100 mutual ones.

As we leave this fine institution today and look forward to our future, let us also look back and thank all those who helped us and supported us and devoted the best part of their days to get us here. They were not only teachers, professors, mentors, councillors, and coaches, but they were wonderful friends too. Without them, we would still be stuck on the first sentence of our first essay in grade nine; we would still be lost to the mystery of factoring; and we would still not know that “un phoque,” regardless of what it sounds like in English, does not really mean what you think it means in French.


So let us raise a toast to our saviors: to Google, to Wikipedia, to Yahoo Answers, to Sparknotes, to FreeEssays.com, and to all the other parts of the Internet that have made this day possible.

Over these past four years, you have shown us great devotion and commitment from the wee hours before dawn to the late hours past midnight. You have always opened your doors 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks a year. What’s more, not only did you teach us many priceless lessons, you also made school more pleasurable. Your humorous jokes and stories, whether they are educational, political, or sexual, keep us forever entertained on our phones during those boring hours in class.


Special thanks to Google and her research department for providing us with unparalleled resources and unyielding help in all subject matters. Thank you for putting up with our endless searches ranging from “complete answers to chemistry semester 1 test 3,” to “free essays on Lady Macbeth,” to “no cost grammar and plagiarism check for students,” to “why aren’t rowers invited to the athletic banquet?” to “how to grind at high school dances,” and finally to “10 signs he really likes me.ā€


Honourable mentions to G. Translate for helping us pass French; Shmoop.com for catering to the lazy readers with highly compressed novels; Khan Academy for summarizing all the lessons at school into comprehensible formats; and especially Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, and Instagram for teaching us the vital life skill of procrastination. You have made us realize the full extent of our capacity to greatness by showing us just how fast we can work when under imminent due dates.


We are now armed and ready to tackle the world. The knowledge you gave us will no doubt be valuable as we go forward in life, and we will always remember the most important advice you gave us: follow your dreams, pursue your passion, be true to yourself, and always trust Yahoo Answers.