How To Build a Frankenboyfriend

By Emmy Fu

 

  1. Bake each plastic limb at 450 degrees Fahrenheit until golden brown while mixing one polyester hair strand in every two minutes. Do not overcook. Repeat: do not overcook.   (In the case of overcooking, inject 250 mL of Hugo Boss cologne into the right forearm to negate the burning smell.)

 

  1. When ready, assemble the parts carefully and diligently. Do not fret about faint discolouring or missing appendages. It will only add to his Handsome and Mysterious Foreigner look.
  2. Bring him to school. Hang off his arm and smile, smile. Accidentally take a selfie together and when people notice, allow one minute and fifteen seconds for them to gush that they have never seen a prettier picture.
  3. Go out on dates in public places for optimal increase in high school popularity. Think bustling restaurants, crowded movie theatres. Say we can’t when he wants to spend a night inside. Say that’s ridiculous when he mentions that he likes being alone with you.
  4. Ignore him when he texts you heart emoticons in different colours for everyday of the week. Ignore him when he throws rocks at your window to go out for a (private) picnic.
  5. Tell your jealous friends that you’ve never been so happy.
  6. Google: why didn’t it seem like this in the magazines

  7. Count the days until the last day of school. Mark it on the calendar. Scratch lines into your headboard. Put reminders on your phone.
  8. Develop complicated escape routes in all locations of the school.
  9. Ignore him when he writes you a song rather than buying a gift for Valentine’s Day. Ignore him when he claims said song is too personal to perform in front of a crowd.
  10. Google: how to break up with

  11. Google: how to dismantle a

  12. Prepare all necessary materials.
  13.  On the last day of school, hang off his arm and smile, smile. Refrain from bouts of maniacal laughter.
  14. When the bell rings, grab his hand with so much force that his pinky pops out. Drive home quickly and lock the doors, close the blinds. Ignore him when he questions what’s happening. Ignore him when he tries to leave.
  15. Approach him slowly and sweetly. Bring your arms out for a hug. He’ll hug you back because you cooked him that way, although it wasn’t your intention.
  16. Feel for the knob underneath his shirt, halfway down his back, and pull.
  17. Dismantle the rest as efficiently as possible. Pack the parts so that they lie horizontally on top of each other and fill the box with Styrofoam peanuts.
  18. Ship the box off with a kiss.
  19. Google: what to do when you’re single!!!!
  20. Dance around in your bedroom for two hours straight. Shrug when your mother asks what happened to That Nice Boy. Dance for two hours more.
  21. Go outside. Go to bustling restaurants. Go to crowded movie theatres. Go anywhere there is anyone. Try to stop your friends from going window-shopping but tag along after they insist. You can’t risk them noticing.
  22. Stare at all the mannequins on display in the store windows. Not their clothes—the faces.
  23. When you see him, do not look into his eyes. I said, do not look into his eyes! That is not a tear. He is not crying. It’s a store mannequin and you’re imagining things. Heatstroke is a rising epidemic. Your friends are calling you to catch up.
  24. Walk away. Walk away.
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