By Peter Kim
One day, a student eats corn-and-beans-in-a-beeef-burrito-with-extra-cheese for lunch. During his third period English class, his stomach starts acting strangely; the classroom, sometimes silent, hears the sound of his grumbling stomach; the abdominal pain, so unbearable, surges and takes over his thoughts. He raises his hand and goes into the hall. His mind races furiously with the intent of relieving himself, his head perspiring from the pain of his stomach. He has to hurry. He makes it to the bathroom door, opens it, sprints to the stalls, undoes his belt, unbuttons and unzips his jeans, pulls down his underwear, begins to squat, and, finally, relaxes on the toilet seat. Out goes the torrent of wasted corn kernels.
When he finishes, he feels so relieved and happy that he has decided to either forget to push the lever down or to deliberately leave the toilet bowl with its contents as is, ribboned with several sheets of toilet paper. Perhaps he wants to share his story with the rest of Lisgar. But many students have felt disgusted – almost offended – by his act. The students disapprove. The poor toilet disapproves.
This self-help guide will help you learn how to dispose of that doody – how to flush a toilet. You will need: A toilet with a lever; Yourself, who has to go to the bathroom urgently.
Step One: When you have to go, go. No one wants to smell you passing gas during class when you’ve got to go. People see your queasy face when the need is urgent. Calmly ask your teacher if you may go to the restroom.
Step Two: Quickly but calmly stroll along the hallways and find the nearest bathroom. If you are on the second floor, go downstairs to the first floor to find the washroom there, or go upstairs the one on the third floor. If you are in the South Building, there is a restroom on the top floor and one in the basement. If you can somehow get access to the staff toilets, that’s even better.
Step Three: Enter the bathroom. Make sure you enter a bathroom stall that has toilet paper. Custodians usually provide an adequate supply of rolls, but check for it nonetheless. You wouldn’t want to finish your adventure ill-prepared.
Step Four: Sit down on the toilet. Relax. Your body will remove its waste naturally, like a trembling avalanche from the mountaintops of Mount Everest. You will fell lighter, refreshed, and ready to take the next step.
(If there is another person in the bathroom stalls, don’t wait for them to make the first sound. You need to be assertive and let go of the dynamite that has ignited in your belly. Drop the bombs – the best explosions you can make.)
Step Five: After completing Step Four, wipe. Stand up. If you wish to visually examine the fruits of your labour, go ahead.
Step Six: Push down the steel lever of the toilet. It will not shock you, so don’t worry about anything electrostatic. The lever may look unpromising because of the rusty pipes, but worry not; the lever is immaculate and refined, fighting student waste with its steel durability for many years. It is your friend. Treat it like one. Doing so allows you to flush the toilet.
You have now successfully flushed a toilet. Congratulations! Now, just head back to class, and don’t tell anyone what you’ve just accomplished, because this is a private victory.
You have made an incredible contribution to the wellbeing of Lisgar students. ♦