Lisgar Student Handbook 2016

By Nathan Rideout

To the outside world, Lisgar is a school that helps expand the minds of young geniuses. It seems to have a proper exterior, with all the stone detailing and the well behaved students, but what they don’t know is that the people who enter the school are risking their lives every day in order to get an education. For those students who are entering secondary school for the first time, here’s the new handbook on how to survive a day at Lisgar… if you’re lucky.

First, always remember to wear a helmet. Lisgar’s ceiling has been gradually falling apart since 1993. Concussions are a regular occurrence for all students who decide not to wear their protective hat. Not only are the tiles worrisome, but it’s what’s underneath that you’ve got to worry about. Birds, squirrels, bears; I could name more! It’s better to be safe than sorry, so don’t take any chances.

Second, be careful who you talk to. There are those who are kind and those who you must be careful around. If you insult the wrong person, you’re looking at a full-out boxing match. That’s why you must always carry full-on body armour in your backpack. When a fight breaks out, unless you’re dumb, you should have your gear ready to go! Above all, stay away from the Rideau Centre roof (or sinkhole, for that matter).

Lastly, carry an umbrella at all times! Leaks can happen  when you least expect them. One second you’re sitting at a computer in the library doing your work, and suddenly you’re getting a shower! Remember those falling ceiling tiles? Turns out  they damage more than just the craniums of eager students. Don’t want to be wet all day? The moment you see a drop, pull out your umbrella and watch the river flow trough the hallways as you stay nice and dry. On especially leaky days, pull your rubber boots out of your locker and to stop your socks and pant legs from becoming moist.

Lisgar is a great school full of awesome people, staff, and experiences. But what’s not awesome is the life-threatening danger you’re constantly in. Be safe, and stay alive, my friends! ♦