Horoscopes – April 2017

By the all-seeing Miasya Bulger

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Next time you drop your pen, it will point to something important. Think of what it means to you, or else the number Five will become unlucky. Enjoy baths instead of showers next Thursday, or else you will receive an unwelcome visitor.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

If you feel restless, walk North until you hit Rideau Centre, and get some vegetables so you can concentrate on your goals. Be wary of country music.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

The word “applesauce” will get you out of a conflict with your third period teacher. Wait a few days before seeing that new movie that just came out. Try a new acne cream.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

That guy who sits behind you in your first period class has something to hide. Exfoliate tonight to avoid missing an important phone call in the near future. Wear gloves!

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Carry a water bottle around to prevent bad hair days. If you see a leather chair, sit in it. Prepare to discover a terrible secret from your childhood next time you eat chicken wings.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Next time you see something you like at the store, buy it. Your purchase will prevent a heavy load of emotional baggage from settling on your second best friend. Your marks are in danger of slipping, but petting your neighbour’s dog will remedy that.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

If you see a penny on the ground, pick it up because they’re not circulating anymore and they’re pretty cool. It might bring you good luck, but probably not. Make sure to wear a belt on Wednesday, or you might see some evil squirrels.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Avoid wearing jewellery for the next two weeks, or else you might get a bad mark on your midterm report card. Be nice to your dentist, even though they charge too much for their services. Like our Facebook page, or else your shoes will get too small.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

You are being haunted by the smell of watermelon. Open up your Oxford dictionary to page 192 and find the 18th word on the page. Chant it three times in front of your bathroom mirror to rid yourself of the curse.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

You have bad associations with the Easter Bunny, but it’s time to get past them. Avoid ear infections by reading your sister’s diary. Drink milk only once this week to improve your chances at finding love.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

On even-numbered days, avoid taking odd-numbered bus routes. Cut your nails slowly or else you’ll lose great amounts of money this month. Rediscover your passion for orange juice this month.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

A future visit to a Chinese restaurant will bring a powerful male figure into your life. Do not lick icicles more than twice, or else your best friend may have to switch chairs at the kitchen table. Spell your name backwards next time you see a teacher use Comic Sans