Straight from the Inner Eye of the Lisgarwrite’s All-Seeing Miasya Bulger
Aries: March 21 – April 19
You are about to become addicted to a new anime series. Watch out for Tuesdays; they will bring terrifying news to you. Also, sometime you’ll have to rid your room of all empty water bottles in order to restore chi to your life. Read the second article in this paper twice to bring prosperity to your future children.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
The planets are doing something you’re unaware of. Consider dropping your next year English course for Earth and Space Science, and maybe Dr. Magwood will enlighten you in return, even if you end up having to do summer school to graduate on time. Give up one Snap streak in order to restore balance into the universe.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
You feel the drive to change an aspect of your lifestyle this month. However, next time you work out, avoid running to Tim’s right after. Donuts this month come at a personal price. Your mother is in dire need of a hug, so don’t be afraid to show some affection. Finally, empty out your pencil case in order to discover clues related to your future career.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
So many worthwhile volunteer projects out there, so many hours in the day! Finding focus isn’t easy on Monday, and neither is being open to change. Both are necessary. Tuesday and Wednesday, you warm up to the idea of new factors, but the smell of freshly cut grass will trigger a nightmare from your childhood. Treat your cringey soul with some hash browns and disco music. Trust me, it works.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
This weekend you’re happy to cancel social plans and make dinner out of what you have in the fridge. But just so you know, you put your socks on the wrong feet this morning. However, dare not correct this. Continue to wear your socks imperfectly, or else someone you don’t like will ask to copy your science notes and you’ll have to politely comply against your will.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Watch out! Your best friend is in danger of getting a serious ear infection. Wear your smallest pair of shoes on an odd-numbered day and click your heels twice for good luck. Do not play the card game President, because you will lose and be sad.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Consider trying a new hobby. I recommend learning some new fidget spinner tricks because that’s what’s trendy on Instagram right now. Avoid wearing the colour purple, or your short-term memory will decline significantly. Oh, remember to hydrate!
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Your love interest is hiding something from you. Spam them insistently over your favourite social media platform or else your connection may weaken. If they refuse to tell you anything, they’re lying. Send them the first meme saved in your photostream if they hit you with a ‘k.’
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Whatever you want to buy, do not get it. You’ll regret the purchase. Instead, try a new dessert recipe! Just remember, Mercury is in retrograde right now, so you may want to keep a bucket of water nearby.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
That woman you awkwardly made eye contact on the street with yesterday has dyed her hair. Mull that over, and if you manage to find her, you should consider a career in stalking because that’s kinda creepy. But honestly, cut down on the caffeine, as you are about to enter a stage of enlightenment where you realize that Android phones are so much better than Apple ones.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Take your time and look around. What’s the rush? The weather’s nice, so scroll through your newsfeed in your front yard instead. However, avoid chipmunks at all cost: meeting one will make you forget how to make accords in passé composé. At night, brush your teeth using your non-dominant hand, and you’ll gain insight on how you can better appreciate life.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
It’s time that you do something about that hair. I get that it’s summer and all, but combs and scissors exist for a reason. For the next week, take the stairs two at a time, or else your bus will be late and your first period teacher will sigh in disappointment at you. Finally, look under the right cushion of your couch for inspiration for your next Instagram caption. ♦