By Miasya Bulger
Aries: March 21 – April 19
Beware of the colour orange; it catches your eye this month. Make sure to flick the light switch on using your left hand, and off with your right, or else you’ll forget how to conjugate present subjunctive verbs in French class. Lastly, only use masking tape when the date is even, as scotch tape or duct tape will be less sticky on these dates.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
The smell of glue sticks will seem to haunt you this Friday, but do not be afraid. Select purple hair elastics over blue ones, or else your ponytail will be bumpy and weird. Make sure to spin counterclockwise twice before going to bed, or else you will have nightmares about running out of your favourite breakfast cereal.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
You are feeling extra motivated this month. Make sure to channel this positive energy towards posting extra selfies on your Instagram page instead of your homework. Trust me, gaining a new follower is worth more than your English mark. When you fill your water bottle, only screw the cap back on after taking a sip in order to be blessed with a new love interest.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Left handed scissors are your enemy. Doorknobs are your enemy. In fact, even Ubers are your enemy this month! Your life is falling apart and there’s no way to fix it. Sorry babe.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Watch out! Your mother is in danger of breaking her second favourite toe. Hide behind your curtains and recite two Drake songs for good luck. Make sure to not throw your cat out of your window, because there’s a heightened risk of becoming colour-blind this month.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
This is the month of double texting! Save up some memes, baby, cause your group chats are the new 4chan. But beware: if you dare give yourself a Sharpie tattoo on a Thursday, you will have to replace your shaving razors, and those things can be EXPENSIVE.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Avoid vinegar based salad dressings and opt for creams instead; you can handle the extra calories. If you have extra time (which you probably don’t considering you go to Lisgar), visit your childhood Neopets and cry about how you basically starved them to death, you monster.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
The winky face emoji is 100% your thing during the weekends this month. Try a new gluten-free recipe in order to improve your team dynamic in group projects. If you chew gum, opt for mint- based flavours instead of fruits.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Cut down on the sugar, Sag. That smelly man that stumbled past you on the bus last week will be visiting all the local dessert shops, and if he sees you, he might ask you for a selfie. Your slippers will mysteriously disappear, but you never wear them anyway so you’ll be fine.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Your wifi connection is fluctuating a lot these days, and so is your mental stability. Visit LUSH and convince your math teacher to purchase you a bath bomb in exchange for you actually completing your assigned textbook questions.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
It may feel like the world is plotting against you, and you’re completely right about that. Get with the program and sell your soul to the Lisgar Music Department. All the morning and lunchtime rehearsals will make you suffer, and isn’t feeling pain better than feeling nothing at all, right?
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Whatever you do, do not consume water. Ever. Not in soda, not in tea, not in fruit. Proper hydration will distract you from your true goals of becoming a grocery-store butcher. In order to have the best chance at success, align all your assignments to the right and change your calculator to radians. The Walmarts in Japan will thank you.