By Abigail Potter
Dear Trump supporters,
We would like to extend this travel advice to you. This is your opportunity to see your future in a little place they like to call the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK). Or as they call it on CNN (fake news!) – North Korea. Don’t be alarmed by the long name, it is neither “Democratic” or the “People’s”. To this, I’m sure you can relate, as the United States of America (USA) is no longer “United”.
First, we ask that you stand (don’t take a knee), search your trailers, look under the Confederate flag cushions, around the empties, and on top of the big-screen TV, to find the money you’ll need to leave your hometown, your state, and America for the first time. Then you will need to arrange to get something from Big Government called a “passport”. Now, with that “Make America Great Again” attitude, you are ready to go. The future awaits.
Like America, North Korea is as unsettling as it is fascinating. As your leader likes to say “it’s terrific!” It is full of seemingly impossible contrasts and contradictions that America is fast approaching; indeed, when you visit, you will be astonished by the similarities between your two nations. North Korea epitomizes several key Trumpian values, including income inequality, which I know you have a personal attachment to, isolationism, military strength, and, most importantly, never accepting an opinion other than your own. North Korea can give you many insights into the ideal that America is striving for. In this guide, you will learn, for the first time in your life (tips and tidbits about how to survive in this rogue state).
North Korea is renowned for its natural beauty. Views from space clearly show that the lack of electricity has preserved the country in the quaint, dark, and plumbing-less olden times I know you harken for. We are told that the countryside is gorgeous, but you will never see it. Apparently, it is quite similar to South Korea, but, according to the North Korean government, much better. And boy, have they got a wall. Makes yours with Mexico seem kind of pathetic, but we know you’re fixing that.
For all of you first-time travellers, it is good to note that in addition to a passport, you will need a visa to enter North Korea. A visa is a document that allows you to enter a country of which you are not a citizen, and though they can be hard to get, they are not as exclusive as visas to your country.
Unfortunately, you will not be able to go wherever you like. That is not a constitutional infringement, as not every country is exactly like yours, despite what you may think. They just like to keep track of people. They would not want them colluding with a foreign power to influence their political system.
When speaking to your guide remember that it is not particularly polite to comment on someone’s accent or facial features. We suggest you adopt the approach you implement when someone uses big words: nod, smile and ignore.
The guides will be showing you only one side of the country’s history and culture. To prepare for your journey we suggest a steady diet of watching the White House Press briefings every day (real news!). If you experience symptoms such as nausea, fainting, questioning your life choices, or panic attacks, first of all, become a Democrat, and then call your doctor. However, you’re probably on the brink of losing your health insurance, so just walk it off.
While away, you will have the incredible opportunity to see many moving monuments (although not nearly as impressive as the many Trump Towers sprinkled across America like gold feces) and take part in many interesting activities. You will be taken to a site dedicated to the evil Imperialism of North Korea’s worst enemy: you. Do not be alarmed. That was the ugly and complicated past when the USA played a guiding role in world affairs as a beacon of freedom and justice. Those days are gone, it’s now all about America First. Plus, your leader and the North Korean leader display similar temperaments and judgement and that is bound to form the basis for a wonderful friendship … eventually.
You may also get to witness a military parade in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, where you will see uniformed men kicking into the air, at which point you will begin to wonder whether these soldiers were trained for battle or a dancing competition. However, we urge you to refrain from commenting or voicing your opinion, as, historically, regimes with military parades do not take kindly to criticism. We would tell you not to worry about your personal or national security, with such a diplomatic, level- headed commander-in-chief as Barack Obama, but that is no longer the case. You’ll probably be fine.
You will barely notice this amid all the excitement, but you are the minority group in this country, There is no KKK and no white people. Take it as an opportunity to empathize with another’s suffering – or not. It is very relaxing in the cities, as we have been told that all of the regular inhabitants are away on vacation.
In reality, the regular citizens are being oppressed by the rich and powerful, they are starving on the streets, dying, without hope, without money. The inequality in North Korea is not as far removed from that of the United States as you might think. Perhaps, seeing your own nation’s problems with fresh eyes in another, you will find it in your hearts to realize that voting for someone like Donald Trump will only continue the cycle of poverty, that you, yourselves, understand.
In short, you will, eventually, feel totally at home, after having adjusted to the minor inconveniences of North Korea, particularly due to the similarity of leadership and fate of your two countries.
And who knows, this might be your last chance to see it. Or anything, for that matter, the way things are going.