By the All-Seeing Miasya Bulger
Aries: March 21 – April 19
You’re starting to realize that you didn’t buy enough school supplies to last you the year, but don’t fret! Successfully identify the mesentery on your next frog dissection and a free pair of bright neon scissors will come your way. Make sure that over the Christmas holidays, you review your biology notes as you snack on your 40th Lindor chocolate.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
The green penguins are invading your dreams in order to give you an important sign: you need a haircut. Badly. Seriously bro have you looked in the mirror? Book your next appointment ASAP, and your pet rock Sally will thank you.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
December has been a rough month for you, but so has every single month since September. Has school been stressing you out? Send your teacher a series of passive- aggressive angry-face emojis in order to stick it to the system. While you might ruin your chances at getting accepted to a university, you will gain internet stardom when you post screenshots of your teacher’s reply on Tumblr.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Be careful with your money this week; your dimes are secretly plotting to eat your toenails in your sleep. In order to protect yourself, go on a Dollarama shopping spree and purchase a sewing kit and a mini tin of cookies. Store your needle and thread in the biscuit box and your great-grandmother’s spirit will protect you from your corrupt currency.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Venus is in your house this month! Good news for you! You’ll find a romantic partner to binge Netflix with so you don’t feel so lonely all the time. Make sure that you wear your pyjama pants backwards when you cuddle or else your date will refuse to take you to McDonald’s. Beware of next month when they start watching episodes without you. In previous years, you have a feeling that 2018 is ready to take on your hairy calves. You do you, but just make sure you keep them legs hidden from sight during class, as they might prove distracting.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
You’re the type of person who wears shorts all winter, aren’t you? Despite the social judgement in previous years, you have a feeling that 2018 is ready to take on your hairy calves. You do you, but just make sure you keep them legs hidden from sight during class, they might become too distracting for others.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
You’re all about balance: after every salad you eat, you treat yourself to three meals of french fries. This is superb self-control will cease to continue in 2018 unless you unravel all your paper clips and poke your friends with them. After 200 successful pokes, Neptune will forgive you for your past sin of giving your mom one-word answers when she asked you how your day went.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Scorpio, scorpio, how do I put this gently… STOP SPENDING SO MUCH TIME ON YOUR GOsH DaRN COMPUTER! Live a little! The sun is shining, the squirrels are hiding, the wind is so cold it wants to tear your face off. Forget about the pandas falling off of things at the Toronto Zoo and maybe leave your room for once. Even if you realize that everything sucks, you can at least appreciate your last few months of net neutrality in Canada upon your return to the interwebs.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
The stars are aligned for you, Sag! Aligned for what, I’m not sure. 2018 carries a lot of uncertainty for you, so your best bet this year is to retreat to the past. Opt for woodcase pencils, floppy disks, and silly bandz over this modern razzle-dazzle. All these new shiny devices probably give you cancer somehow. Especially those USBs, they are NOT to be trusted.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Career development is going to be an important part of your life for these next 50 years, so you better get your skydiving license now before the business blows up. I suggest making some instructional videos for Khan Academy while you’re at it, cause that’s where all the kids are flocking to after a semester’s worth of sleeping through class. Make sure you dust your keyboard, by the way, or else you’ll be stuck with those weird ‘E’s instead of your beloved question marks. Am I rightÉÉ
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Pluto is not in retrograde this month. I don’t know if that really helps you with anything, but I just thought I’d let you know.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You and all the other water signs are having a big long discussion with Kylie right now about her new overpriced makeup brushes. You’re absolutely dying to get the fan-shaped brush to use with your highlighter, but she just won’t agree to lower the price to $5! If she doesn’t readjust her pricing soon, maybe you should just give up on the makeup tool and buy 2 1⁄2 caf cookies. The next day, you won’t even need to apply highlight because your pores will be seeping oil and melted chocolate.