Horoscopes: April 2018

Courtesy of the all-seeing Miasya Bulger

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Do you take the route 44 bus? Well not anymore! Venus states that since the last full moon, it is only sage for fire signs to travel via hybrid electric vehicles; that is, until your 60.22th birthday. However, you can reverse your fate completely if you sweat off yellow highlighters for the rest of your academic life. Whatever you choose, make sure to avoid Bulk Barn on Wednesdays; the 10% student discount IS NOT WORTH IT. Lucky colour: Firetruck yellow.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Admit it, daylight saving time threw you off your game. You had this entire plan to do nothing over March Break and instead you ended up making plans that you weren’t exactly enthusiastic about. Just remember that there are worse things than that tattoo of Mr. Krabs you got last weekend, like your weird aunt’s obsession with the latest food crazes on Pinterest. Lucky colour: Daffodil pink.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

That new album you’re obsessed with is fireeee, but for some reason no one else seems to comprehend how absolutely LIT it is. That’s okay, we’re all alone in the universe anyway. Good thing is though that Webkinz are super cheap right now so you can always buy fifty different stuffed dogs so you can pretend you at least have a social life online. Lucky colour: Elastic band beige.

Cancer: June 21: July 22

Last time you went through Rideau, you had zero urge to shop. Maybe you grabbed something to eat with your friends, but the clothing stores just didn’t catch your eye. Unfortunately, this period of frugality won’t last forever. The heavens send your wallet their apologies, but I highly recommend you be incredibly passive aggressive about it so that the angels know that you’re kinda ticked. Lucky colour: Forest chartreuse.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Please tell me you use Gmail. See the thing is, you haven’t been chewing gum as often as you used to and that tells Mercury you’re under the impression that you’ve matured as an individual since last Friday. Eh, well I guess you only love him only partly; you only love your bed and your momma and you’re sorry. Lucky colour: Boeing grey.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

You’re known for being sensitive, but unfollowing that one person that only posts low-quality pics of the sunset isn’t worth it. In order to make sure your next relationship is a healthy one, sniff your earbuds before you put them in for your afternoon commute. Remember that math class is not hard when you have a growth mindset. Lucky colour: Like Button blue

Libra: September 23 – October 22

It’s been over a month but you’re still upset. You feel absolutely betrayed that the caf raised the cookie price to $2.25 and you just can’t shut up about it every time you see someone wiping the golden crumbs off the corners of their mouth. Be careful, this energy can be useful if you channel it properly. Allow your frustration to consume you when you take up a new hobby this week – snorkelling, for example. Those distant cousins who you never see will be so proud. Lucky colour: Lavender scarlet.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Scorpio, scorpio, scorpio, what have you done this time? The streetlamps are watching you, and they aren’t impressed one bit (and neither is Jupiter). We all see that you’re going through a rebellious phase right now, and that’s okay, but remember that the more time you waste this period, the less time you’re spending on Netflix. And there’s some pretty great Originals on there, so, really, get over it. Lucky colour: That weird last filter on Instagram (purple / orange)?

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

You can’t seem to make up your mind these Thursdays. One moment, you make a decision, but the next, you’re questioning it. You want to make the best choice possible, but in reality the options all have their pros and cons. Any course of action you decide on will be the right one as long as you make the decision yourself. Now, go order that pizza! Lucky colour: Pineapple black.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

Put down the lotto scratch tickets and look at me. Place your right hand over your heart and repeat these words, “I can do this.” Please stop procrastinating on your assignment and just get it done. Your chance of winning the lottery is next to nothing, and, in all honesty, you don’t have to bod to get famous the way Kim Kardashian did. Just try to get through high school now so you don’t end up working in a pencil factory or writing for the Lisgarwrite for a living (it doesn’t exactly pay well). Lucky colour: Blue pen ink blue.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Aquarius, your view of the world is beginning to shift. Don’t worry. You’re growing as a person and you’re beginning to identify the more important things in life. If your mom doesn’t approve of your cereal choice, that’s OKAY. You are your own person and no one has to like you but yourself.* Remember that windows never create glass walls. Lucky colour: sadness.

*Unless you’re into Vector brand cereal; that stuff is gross and only dads and angry koalas are capable of safely consuming it.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Sensitive, moody, mysterious… these are all words that don’t really describe you (well, #2 maybe). Saturn wants you to try salsa dancing, but maybe hold off until he’s back in the 20th sextile because you don’t really have the time right now. You have that one extracurricular which is honestly a waste of energy, but your sense of invested time is forcing you to stay with it at least until June. Maybe next year you’ll learn that staying with school clubs that you don’t really care about isn’t worth the mental torture, but probably not, because you’re convinced that your CV/university apps will look better. Some practical advice from the moon? Drop it and do something you actually like with that time. Lucky colour: neon pastel white.