Aries: March 21 – April 19
The moon is waning and so is your motivation this semester. Can senioritis hit other grades? Maybe I should send an email to Health Canada warning them about this new, vulnerable demographic. Who knows, maybe Glebe C.I. was messing around and mutated their own viruses. Whatever, worry about it later. You got summatives to recover from.
Lucky colour: Grey and sadness
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
As the second astrological sign in the present zodiac, you’re used to being overshined by Aries. But don’t you worry because you’re special in your own ways. This month, feed your deep internal need for attention and affection by posting a super long text story on Instagram. 99 out of your 30 followers won’t care, but maybe a random old guy will slide into your DMs and offer to take care of you and be your sugar daddy. It’s worth a try?
Lucky colour: Ultraviolet
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Gemini tends to disperse their energy on different tasks and not just focus on one thing thus leaving a trail of unfinished projects in their wake. So don’t worry, your rock-bottom productivity these past two weeks isn’t your fault; it’s written in the stars! Print out your horoscopes online (or like, take this edition of the Lisgarwrite) and bring it to your teacher in lieu of your assignment and they’ll totally give you full marks on whatever thing you were too lazy to finish.
Lucky colour: Angry red (like the ink of those Bic pens)
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Originating from the constellation of cancer, you’ve always felt annoyed at people making jokes about tumours every time you bring up astrology. In fact, those moments have single- handedly caused your disinterest in the subject. But don’t you fear! There are solutions to these sorts of woes. Next time someone asks, tell them that you’re the crab. Bam, no cancer jokes. Uh, but maybe prepare yourself for a different sort of medical mocking…
Lucky colour: Orange like the sky
Leo: July 23 – August 22
You’re really disappointed by a recent event in your life. You’re desperately telling yourself that it’s okay and you’re trying to bottle up your feelings inside but honestly it bothers you. Just know that your friends are there for you, or, well… most of them anyway. Maybe not the Virgo but otherwise yeah you’re good. Don’t be afraid to get the support you need <3.
Lucky colour: Gatorade lemon-lime (is it yellow or is it green?)
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Leo’s been keeping some things from you and you feel out of the loop. What’s going on with them anyway? You’re concerned and you feel slightly awkward with them, as if they were a homeless person you were walking past at Mackenzie King. If they continue to hide things from you, don’t be afraid to get a little aggressive with your pestering. They’re bound to open up eventually, right?
Lucky colour: Persistence purple
Libra: September 23 – October 22
The ruler of Libra is Venus, which probably doesn’t have anything to do with anything but I thought I’d let you know anyway. Lately, Thursdays have been weird for you. They feel like Friday but also kind of like Wednesday and it’s honestly is too confusing. Don’t worry, because this summer you will attend various BBQs where you accidentally squirt too much ketchup onto your hot dog and burger and this excess of condiment will balance out your life. Just remember, no eye contact in the elevator.
Lucky colour: Mayonnaise blue
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Scorpio, I get that you’re a water sign but can you stop wearing ripped skinny jeans. Like, please. It’s June and you’ve got to commit, do you want your legs covered or not? I think on Buzzfeed there are, like, tanning horror stories. Guess it’s time to be featured on the internet, eh?
Lucky colour: Sunburnt popsicle
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
As a Sagittarius, you’re known to be friendly but generally reserved deep down. You’re typically happy but sometimes your temper can fire out if you’re very triggered. Because of these traits, you need to take into consideration your online presence and how it can be perceived by others. You wanna post that meme? Go ahead. You wanna make an angry, hateful comment on an anti-vaxxer’s post? Go ahead. Destroy everything they stand for. Just don’t do anything hurtful to others and you’re golden.
Lucky colour: Grapes.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Ruled by Saturn, Capricorn-born people are always willing to offer a helping hand to those they care about. So, in other words, anyone but a Gemini, according to that fancy compatibility chart that you should apply to every aspect of your life. If someone needs help on a tough practice test question, you’re always there to assist them because you actually CARE (and also because you want practice before you start your tutoring business and begin charging $$ for your services). However, if you had a timetable conflict you had to resolve, I have bad news for you: you’ll never have a pet goat as cute as the one you saw on your Instagram explore feed / the reddit homepage. It’s just not meant to be, babe.
Lucky colour: Vibrant black.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Ok Aquarius I don’t get it. You’re the water- bearer but your element is air. Are you like, a cloud. Poof. Don’t talk to me until you get your life sorted out. Oh wait, guess you’re never talking to me ever. Heh. Um. In other news did you hear that Grimes got a boyfriend? Apparently he’s a CEO of some big companies like Tesla and SpaceX. That’s probably the first time you heard that though I bet, ‘cause YOU’RE A CLOUD.
Lucky colour: I don’t even know anymore.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Ah, finally we get to the best zodiac sign: the amazing, beloved Pisces. Superior to all your non-fish friends, you have the best taste in french fries and radio stations. However, you often feel overlooked in your daily life. Assert your dominance by investing in some new bedsheets, so you can wake up fresher every day and you can walk around secretly satisfied knowing that you have the nicest, uh, sheets. By the way, those hair elastics and pencils that are always disappearing? All your life those have been stolen by the inferior Sun signs in their aching, relentless jealousy. Just know that all that spare change you find on the sidewalk makes up for it.
Lucky colour: Mozzarella yellow.