Millennial Single-Handedly Killing Democracy

By ANDREW MAYER

BRAMPTON, ON — James Walters is a 20-year- old student who just ended his second year studying chemistry and philosophy at the University of Toronto. He likes rock-and-roll, sci-fi, and Breaking Bad. His favourite activities include canoeing through Algonquin Park in the summer, playing video games, and, according to Solomon Jackson-Jacobs from Buttbart News Network, “running this country into the ground.”

“Canada was built on the values of middle-aged white men in the 1800s,” Mr. Jackson-Jacobs said in our interview leading up to the provincial election. “And by those values we should continue to live today. But when kids like Mr. Walters come along crying about ideas of ‘CHANGE’ and ‘PROGRESS’, that’s when our once glorious nation’s foundation is eaten away like the locust-ridden crops of Egypt.”

James Walters is the President of Khemistry Kids, a student-run non-profit that provides chemistry demonstrations and outreach to elementary schools in the GTA. Mr. Jackson- Jacobs claims that Walters uses his platform to spread “radical left-wing ideals” throughout today’s kids. When asked to elaborate on these “radical ideals”, Mr. Jackson-Jacobs clarified, citing “the environment, social ‘justice’, and communism.”

Mr. Walters responded to some of these claims. “No, I wouldn’t call myself a communist by any means, I just think that I should be able to go to school and afford my one-bedroom apartment without needing three jobs. I actually lean a bit Tory economically most of the time. I’m glad the minimum wage got increased, but the execution was mishandled.”

According to Jackson-Jacobs, “This is a perfect example of what an entitled millennial SNOWFLAKE looks like. The constant whining and moaning about minimum wage and ‘affordable living’ is the socialist propaganda that’s holding us to the wall while the ALT-LEFT led by Mr. Walters stones us to death. I’ll bet that kid buys into the Chinese hoax the left calls ‘climate change’.”

We asked Mr. Walters for his stance on current environmental issues. “There are serious problems we need to work towards fixing in this country,” Walters answered. “We have a lot of beautiful natural space that needs to be protected, but we do have to take into account the economic impact of oil country. It’s a really hard beam to balance on.”

Upon hearing his stance, Mr. Jackson-Jacobs had the following to say about Mr. Walters’s views. “It’s only hard to balance if you’re standing on your TIPPY-TOES like some kind of BALLERINA. This kid is clearly lying and pandering to hide his agenda; an agenda Hell- bent on destroying this nation and stopping us from exploiting Her bountiful, slick, resources. Any smart, rational, G*d-fearing [Mr. Jackson- Jacobs specifically demanded we censor G*d in order to secure this interview] Canadian knows that ‘climate change’ is just as real as the ‘round Earth theory’ and that we should be drilling anywhere we can to sell oil to the US. If we don’t, then the Saudis will, and then we’ll live in a world run by ISIS.”

We reached out to Mr. Walters’s family concerning his apparently extreme views. His father, Doug Walters, called him a “new-age hipster who doesn’t know the first thing about jack”, and his mother, Stephanie Walters, expressed her disappointment with how her son turned out. “He’s too far gone,” Mrs. Walters said solemnly. “He goes on about how the provincial election is a mess, about how he isn’t sure who to vote for, if at all. He doesn’t seem to care about his country or our strong Christian values. Not to the wacky alchemy he studies.”

 

We met again with Mr. Jackson-Jacobs and shared with him Mr. and Mrs. Walters’s comments regarding their disappointing spawn. “ The millennial cucks complain about how proper traditionalists run the country ‘without thinking about youth views’, but, like Mrs. Walters said about her son, they don’t even vote!” Mr. Jackson-Jacobs maundered on. “What kind of crack-pot, Soviet laziness is this? If the dippers don’t vote, then they waive any right to voice their opinions on issues of national importance.”

“Who does this kid think he is?” Jackson-Jacobs sputtered. “You can’t just not support one of the candidates because you don’t like the options in front of you; the democratic way is to follow one leader blindly no matter how much drugs they allegedly sold in the 1980s. This kind of ‘protest’ is such an insult to our glorious white and red, just as those ignorant football players kneeling in a ‘peaceful’ protest were to the United States of America.

As we finished our interview with him, Mr. Walters said that his “organization has nothing to do with politics” and that he didn’t consider himself an activist. We asked him one last question: With a gun to your head, who would you vote for on June 7th? “I don’t think I can answer that question,” he responded. “ This election is a race between equally unqualified candidates, just in different ways from one another. I’m a fairly centrist guy, but each party has a lot of problems. I’ll be protesting the election by casting a blank ballot, and I urge any younger voters to do the same to show our leaders that we need fresh faces and change at the head of our government.”

At the end of our second meeting with Solomon Jackson-Jacobs, we asked him how he felt about this week’s election and James Walters’s views. “If Mr. Walters spent less time teaching hocus- pocus witchcraft and a bit more time brushing up on his tradition and religion, his mind would be clearer. Should Canada’s youth tread in James Walters’s footsteps in killing our time-honoured democratic system, then I truly fear for what this nation will become.”

This piece of satire was abridged and edited to be more accessible to general audiences. If you would like to read the longer, funnier, and more offensive piece, please email andrewrichardmayer@gmail.com

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