Ontario Parents Frazzled Their Kids Are Learning Facts


DESERONTO, ON — Parents in a rural Ontario town are confused and frustrated by the contents of the current sex-ed curriculum. The changes made in 2015 address radical social and cultural ideas such as principles of respect, consent, and gender identity, as well as physical ones like anatomy. It is for this reason that the Ontario Progressive Conservatives have decided to run on a platform that includes scrapping the curriculum completely. Their argument

that not enough parents were consulted is resonating with those with children in Deseronto, Ontario.

A group of 10 parents, known as the Parents Rebelling Under the Direction of Elijah and Samuel (PRUDES), have been homeschooling their children ever since 2015 out of fear that their children’s moral compasses would be altered for the worst should they stay in school. “It’s really sad to see that Kathleen Wynne wants innocent kids to turn into crazy sex-machines, and in our schools of all places,” the President of PRUDES, Reg Bone, noted. “Publicly funded schools are supposed to be preparing our kids for the future, not ruining it for them — that’s our job as parents.”

Both the New Democrats and the Liberals are remaining firm on their position that the curriculum should be maintained. It is for this reason that the PRUDES is advocating strongly for Doug Ford, the only moral and straight choice.

In a recent poll done amongst this group, 100% of parents felt that their opinions on sex-ed were not heard in the consultations that took place in each of the town’s schools, as well as with 4000 teachers and experts in health, psychology, and education across the province.

“We’re the real experts here. Of course I can talk to my kids about getting it on, but I know that they wouldn’t need it. I know that they are responsible and I don’t want them to be forced into conversations about stuff that other kids are doing,” Bone stated.

The PRUDES protested outside Liberal MP Mike Bossio’s office yesterday, holding signs with slogans like “We know more about appropriate sexuality than you do!” and “My private parts = my business.” The group was expressing their disgust with the key aspects of the curriculum, which they deem to be both inappropriate and graphic.

Dick Jones, a father of two boys in grades 5 and 9, is repulsed by how the concept of foreplay is addressed. “Back in my day, there was no snowflake notion of no means no. You gotta stand your ground. The only way me and my buddies picked up chicks was with a little push and pull, if you know what I mean.”

The additions to the curriculum even encourage students to use obscure scientific names for body parts. “I was completely shocked and embarrassed when my Sandra started talking about her… ‘breasts’… in Walmart the other day, ” says local mom Brenda Miller. “To be completely honest, I needed to look up the word to understand that she was actually talking about her knockers. We were never taught strange words like that and we turned out just fine.”

Most importantly, the parents are firmly opposed to how certain diseases are being taught in these classes, especially those that are highly contagious when discussed amongst large groups of children.

“I pulled Jakey out of class for his own safety,” stated concerned mother Maureen Wells. “Forget syphilis, chlamydia, and HIV, I can’t have him learning about this gay virus stuff with boys loving boys and girls loving girls. Clearly, Premier Wynne doesn’t understand that Ontarians and Canadians just don’t support this public health crisis.”

Wells went on to add, “I also think this sexting thing sounds kind of fun! It makes me wish we had cell-phones when I was in high school. Look, I’d rather have my kid sending virtual pictures of himself than doing it in person — now that’s something you can’t unsend.”

The group is currently preparing an exciting new and more appropriate curriculum that they will push to have adopted when the PCs are elected. The recommendations include watching vintage films on how to displace sexual frustration through hobbies like knitting, keeping their hands off their bodies and out of their pants, and avoiding any contact with the outside world.

Bone is confident that it is the best way to return to a simple and pure childhood for all Ontarians. “We’re doing this for the students, you know, to protect them. Our proposed curriculum is really targeting what our children need and want from their education in today’s society.”