By OLIVE NUGENT
Thursday, March 3rd, 2022
TORONTO, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced today that his government will raise the voting age from 18 to 65 ahead of July’s provincial election, citing concerns that younger electors lack the wisdom and maturity to vote responsibly.
“Four months from now,” Ford told those assembled at the PC Party Conference in Ajax, “Ontarians will face a critical choice: whether to preserve our government’s legacy or to squander it. We feel it would be irresponsible to leave that decision in the hands of anyone but our most experienced, informed, and politically-savvy residents.”
This announcement follows Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s move to lower the federal voting age to 16 in a bid to increase civic engagement among youth, which was panned by Conservatives as reckless and which Ford cited as a catalyst for his government’s decision.
“I’m frankly astonished that our Prime Minister sees these distractible, bleeding-heart little Tide- Pod-eaters as a valuable or deserving addition to the electorate,” Ford told party members this afternoon. “But as my cabinet and I weighed our response to this ridiculous proposal, we realized that the behaviour of many other demographics should disqualify them from voting, too. Do we really want twenty-somethings who think they’re better drivers when they’re drunk, mid-life crisis men who piss away their savings on a Porsche, or even dumb smackheads like my brother, God rest his soul, choosing our next Premier?”
“By limiting the franchise to seniors, we are ensuring that Ontario will have a worldly, sober, and reliably conservative pool of citizens to make important decisions about our future.”
Ford went on to express concerns about potential conflicts of interest that arise from allowing young people to vote, questioning the motives and priorities of the teens newly enfranchised at the federal level.
“We don’t want anyone who might have a vested interest in our policies to have a hand in choosing the next government. If we involve young people who are going to rely on us for student loans and life-saving medication, they will vote selfishly – with their wallets, not Ontario’s, in mind.”
“We need voters who understand the need for job creation and a healthy upper class. Voters who understand that sometimes, entitlements like education and a living wage have to come second to Ontario’s bottom line, to tax breaks for corporations, and to that rebate that’ll cover the gazebo my wife’s always wanted.”
Minister for Seniors Barbara Markham echoed Ford’s sentiments in her remarks, calling over- sixty-fives the ideal electorate. “ They’re old enough to remember that golden age of Ontario we’re striving for,” she effused, “when the hydro was cheaper and the golf clubs were whiter, and detached enough from present realities that they can weigh every issue with complete impartiality. Younger voters can be swayed by all sorts of emotional nonsense from family and social media. The great thing about seniors is that since their parents are long dead and they don’t use Twitter, they’re not impressionable to their lefty moms or Ava DuVernay. Just to fake news and online scammers, but really, who isn’t these days?”
Stan Winters, 74, of Cobourg, a long-time PC voter who attended this weekend’s conference, wholeheartedly approves of these new measures, telling the CBC, “Quite right. I don’t want anyone who’s ever touched a joint to have any say in marijuana policy, thank you very much. If that bunch had it their way, we would be rolling over for the environmental lobby over their climate change hooey.” To this, his wife Edith chimed in that she really wouldn’t mind, so long as whoever is elected makes sure When Calls the Heart is renewed for another season.
Seventeen-year-old Colton Downey, President of the Ontario PC Youth Association, also attended this weekend’s conference. While he was disappointed to learn he wouldn’t be voting in July, Downey believes this was the right course of action, saying, “We young folks need to earn our rights with patience and elbow-grease. Teens, young adults, and old ones need to focus on our responsibilities to society, rather than what the government owes us, and trust our elders to decide what’s best for us until we’re ready to screw over our grandkids.”
But not all his peers are so convinced; at press time, Queen’s Park remained flooded with young protesters who oppose the new voting reforms, leading chants and blocking access to legislative buildings. In response to the unrest, the Premier’s Office released the following statement:
It is precisely this kind of juvenile grandstanding that made us reconsider these children’s right to choose our leaders. The Progressive Conservative Party believes deeply in government accountability to voters, but the public must accept that we can never please everyone. Our hope is that by pruning our electorate for its most upstanding citizens, we will enjoy the support of more voting Ontarians than ever before.