Horoscopes: October 2018

Courtesy of the Universe and Andrew Poirier

Aries
March 20-April 21

There’s a longing deep within you for something, but you can’t quite figure out what. The late nights spent pondering your existence and the profound daydreams you’ve been having in class recently haven’t been helping, either. Just go with the flow, and things will turn out fine. Unless they don’t. But don’t worry, they will. Probably.

Taurus
April 22-May 21

In order to bestow good luck upon yourself, be sure to switch your socks between your feet at every meal of the day. This allows for the healthy flow of chi throughout your body and prevents you from catching the attention of gremlins. Or, you know, just stay in school and obey the law. That’s usually good advice too.

Gemini
May 22-June 20

You’ve been struggling to figure out where your place in the world is, but why try to be something you’re not? You’re a unique human being. There is no-one who is quite like you. In some cases, that’s a good thing, but then again, you just be your best you; there’s nothing better you could possibly be. Unless you count unicorns. But we’re not: that would just be unfair.

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Change up your diet for a week or two; it could be interesting. For maximum transformation, we recommend a strict and total gluten-free vegan diet for the foreseeable future. Who knows what unexpected benefits might come from such a change in lifestyle? (None. There is absolutely nothing good whatsoever that could possibly come of this. Nothing. NOTHING.)

Leo
July 23-August 22

It’s well-known that Leos are a courageous lot and your bravery has served you well, but in the coming days you’ll need to put those good old smarticle-particles to use if you want to come out on top. Be it on that tricky algebra test (whose idea was it to mix numbers and letters, anyway?) or in some suave flirting with the hottie that’s caught your eye, just remember that sometimes it’s okay to be a Slytherin rather than a Gryffindor.

Virgo
August 23-September 22

You’re in for it now. All the little lies that you’ve told these last few weeks are going to catch up with you. You’ve spun a web of deception so elaborate that not even you can tell what’s true anymore, which will prove really inconvenient on that test you were all excited about cuz it was mostly going to be T/F questions.  You’ve even managed to convince yourself that you’re trustworthy. But be honest (if you even can); is that really the case?

Scorpio
October 23-November 21

Look at you; questioning your preference (or preFURence) for cats or dogs. After loving your precious furbaby for so long, you’re thinking crazy thoughts and asking heretical questions about whether or not there exists a better breed of pet. In order to forego the conflict concerning the superiority of canine or feline animal companionship, you should just get a more exotic pet altogether like a vulture or an iguana.

Sagittarius
November 21-December 21

Start a garden; it’s good for the soul. Tending to the delicate seeds that will eventually spread their roots and grow into full-blown plants is a great way to procrastinate. Need an excuse not to socialize? Head home to make sure they’re getting enough sunlight. Forget the dog eating your homework; you just really needed to shred that last assignment and use it as compost, is all. The excuses are limitless.

Libra
September 23-October 22

Things seem to be going pretty well for you, but beware; if you aren’t careful, it’s more than likely that you’ll end up so sick you won’t be sure which end of your body the contents of your upset stomach will chose to eject from. To be safe, lock yourself away in your room and only accept food and clean diapers. If you choose to brave the outside world, find a way to access a full-blown hazmat suit. When health and safety are concerned, nothing is too extreme.

Aquarius
January 20-February 19

Something big is coming up in your life. You don’t yet know what it is (and frankly, neither do we), but you’ll know it when it hits you. We can’t emphasize enough how monumental this will be; nothing will ever be the same after it’s coming. Whatever it is, keep on moving on with your life; what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Hopefully this won’t kill you.

Pices
February 20-March 19

Stop. There’s something that you’ve just started doing lately, and it’s throwing all that is good in the world into chaos. Take our advice on this one, alright? The freaking constellations themselves are telling us profound insights into the meaning of life; where do you get YOUR advice from, hmm? That’s what I thought. So get a hold of yourself; your fate depends on it.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19

True love has blossomed, and everything is as it should be. In somebody’s life, at least, though maybe not yours. You could be suffering from a devastating break-up or crippling loneliness for all the universe cares. But doesn’t the fact that someone is having the time of your life just cheer you right up? The next time you’re suffering socially or emotionally, just remember that someone else isn’t, and that should make everything better.